summer death

by Marietta

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"hey" i said in my head, you told me to stop talking. my words stayed put obediently and subsequently i'm tracing the lines of my spinelessness tonight. i go past all of my half-heart starts, words that fell apart. i get tangled up in loose-leaf thoughts, rewrite them 'til they fall, and wallow in the thought that i might not ever start. so have i been forgotten? oh yeah, i've been forgotten. i don't see the silver lining, i give up on trying. from pacing to facing my problems, questions seem to haunt them. my habits, they persist. constant reminders of my purposeless, i'm insignificant. but i don't remember anymore. i know all this will come to pass, please god, just make it fast. i watched the door close as you left and traces filled my head. so maybe i've got a lot to tell you. forgive me, i don't know where to start.
lately it's been getting late but i'm not tired, and no thanks to sleepless nights spent burning with desire. so i'll get in my car. we drove to the shoreline with the check engine light on. we slept in a spare room, sparing no thoughts for our friends. and we're all going straight to hell for all the lies we tell ourselves. last night i wanted to leave all my friends out. desperate chance dragged me out of the sand. but chance's certain way of getting stuck on one small desperate action robbed me of all my good luck. why did i think i could make it better now? why did i think i could keep my feet on the ground? if i wake up and accidentally crawl into your arms, it's nothing personal. personhood has always seemed so strange. why do things always have to go and change? be better off if things just stayed the same. if i freak out and crash my fucking car into your house, of course it's personal. personhood has made me feel this way. why do things always have to go and change? be better off if things just stayed the same. i'm getting too old for this shit. i'm throwing fits and acting like a kid again.
sometimes i'm awake thinkin' about fuckin' things up for myself again, so relax and sit there, my organs know i mean well, even though they're all gone, but they're content. drivin' up north headin' towards nothin', just for a fake laugh and a stupid smile. i never asked to see 'lost' painted on your forehead, looking forward, it's been taunting me for a while. sometimes i'm in front of the street noticing my face in the paint. this is hell, this is far, this is human. this is something where no one ever gains. what's there to do, i couldn't even tell you, everything keeps spinning letting me know, that something doesn't feel right, and it's sitting in my chest feelin' so low. it's been black outside for days now, i hope the end of the week gets here quick. so there is nothing left to question, not even the God that i told to quit. oh, im seein' the drearyness in this. oh, i'm believin' now that i can't fix this.
deck wine 04:20
today broke my balance worse than before, my guts are out, they're crawling on the floor. give them some help, they're tired and poor. and I can't break whats more than habit, but second nature, it's not my outfit, just how I live. these hospital rooms knew us better than we knew ourselves. summer death, some are dead. watching from the bookshelves. the town faded when the smoke quit movin'. lonely shapes who needed more than big things. it's autumn now so please forget me. let me explode, become minimal and disappear. it got so pointless looking for family when no one's here. there's nothing else left to believe, not even my TV screen. you caught me alone, with tired homes, and withered. neighbors always getting younger, dying off, waiting for winter.
We slept in the mouth of old friends, and I'm happy living like river kids. We'll be here in our tomby sleep, going back to the place we left our feet. Could you get some matches? I'll probably burn them, because I can't drive, and I need something to pass the time. I don't need any more. I'm waking up all bleary eyed, and I am wondering where I should lie. Because this couch is making my head feel sore, watching my best friend vomit through the door. Rinsing his mouth out in the sink telling me this is the last time we drink. Let's just pass out and forget our bodies could use the rest. Come with me, I promise the water is fine. I need something else to convince me I won't die.
what's the point in trying i just fall behind. spend minutes just to pay for bleary eyes. wouldn't you rather die than be on my mind, it hurts my head to think about you dead but i do it all the time. i could be a soul to keep. or i could keep on living soullessly. drawing all the curtains to hide from ghosts that whisper bout the things we're scared of most. chain link fences make us feel safe from shady parts of everything that i've made real to me. you screamed holy shit, the wind swept you off your feet, it sure as hell wasn't me i swear to god it was just two nights, a cloud of smoke exhaled from my still choking lungs, i couldn't move, i couldn't see that you're the breath i shouldn't breathe. shallow breathe breathes air so heavy. i go down to the bottom of the river, and plant myself in a watery grave. cuz when i'm down i can't see the surface, just unknowns and answers i can't see. so i let go of your tiny little fingers, just to say that i couldn't be saved. cuz when i'm gone i won't forget a single bit of all those long-gone memories. but wait, don't go. i'll hold you on my own.
i screamed at my skin, "please stay younger." where did the years go when i was feeling stronger? right out the window when i was driving your car, in the rear view i saw my heart. it spun and landed in the front yard of a place i knew before. before i knew it, distance crossed my mind. divides my spirits, half for faith and half for better times. so how long is four years? it's an eternity i suppose. infinity beckons me to a simple place to hide. lay down and cover your eyes so bright from awful morning light. i'm so scared of death, not fond of life and facing my fears doesn't feel right so i'll carry on tonight. lay down and draw the blinds, the past is always on my mind. so call me at midnight or call me anytime, i'm patiently waiting, the past is on my mind. i memorized the nuances of conversation held that night, i memorized every detail of your skin, we were spread so thin. could've seen you in the basement, could've seen you in the hall. but it doesn't even matter, cuz it was nothing at all. i've been thinking what you said is true, our lives are reds and greens and shades of blue, our colored pasts reveal what is true, nothing that i said to you paints a pretty portrait of us two, we're different shades of blue.
get to the church light, i need to reaffirm with God that i'm none of his concern. leave me in therapy, maybe someday i'll be okay, (or) fit for release. but don't hold your breath, misguided notions of what i do best come to mind, leading me to see nothing except the back of that formal piece of shit. well i'm done, so convince someone else. they're functionless. every part of a made up mess. well if doc said to me that i'm not worthless, i bet that i can finally prove it; those fingernails are growin' into my skin. trembling like a headache. i'm awake feelin' nostalgic; those pair of lenses know that my head is still talkin'. i hope i sleep tonight. and i hope you keep fiendin' over the white and red miserable death pumpin' in your chest. wasting away any trace of normal blood so the fingers feel drunk, erasing any prospect that the rest of life will feel less numb. we'll make it out, it's been too many days, we're all fed up inside our graves. no we won't, i tried enough to know we won't. give it up, i tried enough so give it up. (we'll make it out, it's been too many days, we're all fed up inside our graves.) i've got my head back. i've got my head back, again. i'm thinkin' of the time when everyone was yellin' for us to stop bein' such pests. andy is outside looking at his insides, and alex moved out west. when you're alone eatin' your own throat, does it hurt, this much to laugh? talking to yourself and made up names, telling you "we'll be right back."


All these songs were written by Andrew, Ethan, Ben, and Evan. Thanks to everyone for waiting so patiently.

Emily Sheerin sings on "cinco de mayo shit show."
Eric Muth plays trumpet on "chase, i hardly know ya."
Rory Wolf-Bielawa on washing machine. Ron's house prevails.

Big thank you to all who helped out with group vocals.

Drums and bass recorded by Eric Muth, with help from Drew and Matt, at East Room Recording.
Guitars recorded in the basement of Ron's House.
Vocals recorded in Ron's House, Michael Jordan, The Treehouse, and at Drexel University.


released October 21, 2013

Produced, engineered, and mixed by Eric Muth.
Mastered by Pat Loundas.


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Marietta Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

philly emo/punk

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